When I was in my early 20's, I had lots of dreams. I had a home computer, a business, and two bachelor degrees. I was an excellent student all the way through school. After I finished school, I worked at a TV and radio station as an anchorwoman for three years. I was a well respected and happy person living with my family.
And then I met my husband on the internet five years ago. He was in America and I lived on the other side of the world. We talked a lot online. He sent me pictures and he looked so honest, hard working and responsible. I had always dreamed that I would marry a blue or green eyed man and here he was! To me this was so romantic. During those days, all I thought about was him. He promised that he would never cheat on me, that we would have a nice wedding, a sweet honeymoon on a big ship, a beautiful house with a big backyard and lots of beautiful smart kids.
All of this sounded really great. Can you expect any better life than this? I'm the kind of person who really doesn't care about how much money a guy has - I believe that if I work very hard and that he works hard, we can spend a lifetime hand in hand. To me, life is beautiful like this. As long as he cares about me and that his family loves me, I will be happy enough.
One year later, after meeting him online, everything went very smoothly getting ready to come to America. My parents and brother saw me off at the airport with tears. They worried about me and didn't know what kind of life was waiting for me.
Everything was new to me when I arrived. I was very nervous, scared, excited. I said to myself that this was a new life and I would be a good girl, work hard, be sweet and make sure people liked me.
Unfortunately, my nightmare started the very first night. My husband changed his attitude to me. I lost my sweetheart just like a snap, and I didn't even have time to realize it. I didn't understand why he didn't kiss me. He didn't even hug me, didn't like to spend time with me. As soon as he got off from work every night, he went directly to his room. He had lied about having a house so we had to rent from and live with his brother. Watching TV all night or working on the computer, he wouldn't come to bed until 2 or 3 in the morning. I was so sad, so lonely and scared in this foreign country and worried that no one would care about me. I would look up to the dark sky with thousands of stars, talking to myself saying "Parents, brother, do you know how lonely I am? I am not happy."
My second day in America, I went to visit his mother who had been divorced 10 years. She asked me if my husband was able to have sex with me because his father had molested him when he was 17 years old. I felt really strange and insulted. Then she asked me why I didn't go back home to my family and why so many foreigners had to come to the U.S. I was trained to respect my mother-in-law even if she was mean to me. So I didn't say anything. I was trying to be sweet to her until one night she suddenly came unannounced to our house and began to verbally abuse me - from 6:30 pm to 1:00 am!! She used every dirty word in the English language to describe me and how she felt about me. "Go back home and leave my son alone. My son will find a pretty white girl. I will pray your marriage breaks up. You are an evil b.... I don't want to see you again in my life. Don't come to my house or I will call immigration. Get out of my country!!" What kind of family was this?
My husband was standing there the entire time his mother was abusing me. He didn't say a word. How I wished he could have told his mother "Mom, this is my choice. I love her. She is my wife." But he didn't. He said nothing on my behalf. Later my husband told me that his mother and the whole family, including his mother's parents, were very biased and they didn't like any "outsiders." I cried all of the time. I even had difficulty breathing. Although I was an adult, I was so weak that I felt like a 5 year old girl. Sometimes I would look at myself in the mirror and think "why am I Asian?"
Everything happened so fast and my English was awful. I wasn't able to say anything back to protect myself. I cried like a baby. I really felt like I was a pice of grass and that these people could step on me, twist me around, tear me out and some strong wind would come blow me away. I was so sad. How I wished my mother could be near to support me, hold me and say "My princess. It's okay. Let's go home! There is no home for you here in America These people don't like you! You always have a home with us."
Three months later, it was his brother's turn. The brother jumped right in front of me and said "you are such a b..., you tell my brother what time to eat, what time to sleep, get the F... out of my house." Then he started running around screaming any dirty word that he knew - against me! He was so angry, you could see the veins jumping on his neck. The whole morning I stood there with tears, looking at him. I really didn't understand why this whole family was treating me like this. I am a human being, I have feelings, I am hurt by getting treated badly. I want people to love me, accept me in this country. I didn't do anything bad. I cleaned the entire house and was always cooking for the whole family, doing everyone's dishes and laundry. I could not get a word in when they were talking. Nobody cared about me saying anything at all. So I was always quiet but my husband was happy that I didn't say anything because if I did, his brother would surely have killed me right there and then.
Because his family treated me so mean, I called my brother back home and told him just a little bit of what was going on. Then I said that maybe if I could make some money, his family might be nice to me. So my brother used his money to invest in a small jewelry business for me. This was the reason that I started my own business after only 2 months in the U.S. It was very hard in the beginning. I didn't drive and I didn't know anybody so I didn't really know what would sell well. Step by step, the business began to get better. To me, this was my baby since I wasn't happy in my marriage - this gave me happiness! Even though it wasn't the big time yet, I felt successful because I was doing it all by myself. I felt happy and confident doing business with people but whenever I was around my husband, I showed a very different personality. I was nervous, scared and always worried that I would do something wrong to upset him.
I was an honest and helpful person so customers liked me. They respected my hard work and good business sense. Customers even brought me presents at holidays and if I told them I was sad, they would give me their phone numbers in case I ever needed to talk. I wondered why my husband and his family couldn't be like these strangers!
Business was going well. I started to try wholesale jewelry. Later I decided that it would be good if we incorporated the company. Even thought my husband had nothing to do with my business, he insisted on being the president. Because the business was wholesale, I had to make hundreds of bracelets and necklaces within a day and lots of the time, I really didn't have time to eat. My husband never lifted a finger. In the four years I had been in America, he had only worked the first six months. After he got fired from the last job, he never worked again. He used my money. I worked like a dog because I was scared of him and his family. I wanted also to be accepted by his heart. I gave him every penny I made. But all he did was cruise the internet and drink beer all day.
Before I went to sleep he would tell me that the government was going to put a small chip in people's arms to control them. Without the chip, people wouldn't be able to even buy groceries. He told me that anyone who wants a divorce would go to hell and that God is going to cause a disaster when the time is ready. He said that he would tell me when God is ready. He said that the Christians in the world knew this about God and emailed each other, reminding each other to get ready. That made me even more scared and nervous. I was stressed out and depressed. I didn't want to hear his harsh voice anymore.
I added to my jewelry business by working in a hair salon. But I couldn't focus on my jobs. My husband had started buying things to get ready for "God's disaster." Before going to bed, he would grab his hand guns - he also had rifles but the police took them. He would load the guns, unload them, and reload them again and again. He would pretend that he was shooting them. I was so scared and asked him not to point them at me. He said not to worry because he was a good shot.
He began to control all of the paperwork, credit cards, bills, and taxes. Even though my family gave us the money for a down payment on a house, my husband took out a second mortgage without telling me. When the check came, I asked him "what is this?" His answer was that it was no big deal. I was confused and upset and asked if I shouldn't have known about the second mortgage since I am his wife. I still don't know what he did with the money.
Later, he picked me up early from work and bought me dinner. This never had happened before! Since he would never let me touch any of our paperwork, I was surprised when he asked me to sign something but was too scared to ask why. Asking anything always ended up in a nasty fight. I was so tired of arguing and fighting that I just gave up. I said "okay, do whatever you want, just let me work on my business. This is my only happiness. I don't care where the money goes anymore." I didn't even know how much we had in the bank.
My husband said that he didn't want to have kids with me because I wasn't tough enough. So I got my hair salon license and worked 12 hour days, 7 days a week to prove I was tough enough to have a baby. I might cut my fingers but I kept on working. He said his family wouldn't like the baby because it would have mixed blood. I asked why he didn't tell me this before we married. He said that he hadn't thought about it.
My culture doesn't allow divorce. A divorced woman would have a bad reputation. My dad is an engineer and could design any machine in the world. My mother is a licensed accountant and my older brother is an engineer and successful professional businessman. In this kind and educated family, how could I talk about divorce? I was always trying to cover for my husband. I told them how hard he worked, how nice he was and how good his family was to me. I didn't want to see my own family hurt. They were so proud of me. I didn't want to lose face in front of them. I didn't want them to know what his family was really like.
I thought the money I was making and giving to my husband would make him happy and I could keep the marriage going. Maybe he would even give me a baby. But one day I checked the phone messages and a woman had left a message. "Are you still coming over? Would you bring cake? I'm going into the shower but I'll leave the door open." When I heard this, I felt my heart bleeding. I couldn't believe that this is the man to whom I had given all my money - and he treated me like this. When he got home, I asked him to explain the message to me but he said it was a wrong number - even though she had used his name. If I had said anything else, it would have turned into a nightmare and I had to work the next day. So I was quiet, but my heart was broken.
I bought a car two years ago but I don't drive. Want to know why? Because my husband also controls my driving.
The last 4th of July, I asked him to take me to the fireworks show even though I was exhausted from work. But he said that his brother had bought hundreds of dollars of fireworks and they were going to have a party - without me. I didn't know how to tell him that this hurt my feelings so I just said "if that makes you happy. Go ahead and go." I stayed home alone. He came home at 1 am.
For four years of our marriage, I was not able to see a doctor, dentist or get help with gynecological problems. One evening in extreme pain, I couldn't get him to help me - he said the TV was too interesting. I was speechless. When this pain happened again, he told me to take ibuprofen and keep working.
There were no holidays, no birthdays, no anniversaries. There were never holidays with his family. He would not let my family come to visit. He wouldn't let me go see them because he asked "are you out of your mind? Do you realize how much money you won't make if you leave?" I wanted to say "why don't you make some money? Why do you depend upon a small woman to support you?" But I have no words to say. What kind of man is this? Will he be mad after I get out of his life? Yes, he will be mad. Nobody else will earn money for him and do these things but me!
One evening, I was so tired but he insisted that I watch a DVD. It was all about hell and what it looks like. It was very scary. He constantly talked about the devil.
I worked so hard but I still could not keep up with his expenses. He wore expensive clothes and drank a lot of beer. No baby, no money of my own, no parents visiting, no love, no kissing, no hugging - nothing. I could die escaping; he would chase me. I was afraid he would shoot me. I was just so very scared. But I told myself that I have a second choice and maybe a little bit of hope for me to survive. I found the number to Micah's Place and called them. I told them what I had gone through for over 4 years. They listened, shed tears with me and told me that I was very brave and strong. They said that they would help me and protect me so that I could be safe.
My last night before moving out, I kept looking at the hand gun on the dresser. It kept going through my mind how much his family hated me, that something was going to happen. I couldn't sleep the whole night. I am not only scared of him, I'm scared of his whole family. I have nobody in America. No friends. And I realize I never had him. If I got shot, killed, who is ever going to look for me? Who is going to know? If I ever get hurt here in America, there is nothing my family could do or help with. They could not protect me. By the time they found out that I was hurt, it would be too late.
That same night, I asked my husband two questionsalthough in my heart I already knew the answer. It seemed that I wanted him to hurt me one more time so I could just leave without regrets. I asked when we were going to have a family of our own. "Didn't we talk about this already? Don't you have half a brain? Why did you bring up such a negative problem on such a beautiful night?" My heart felt like it had been scrunched by a sharp knife. My second question was "when do you think you can find a job?" His answer was "if you put the soup into the rice, it will taste better." My heart is totally dead now. I have nothing to say.
So I left.
People have told me that he has been looking for me since I left. He goes to my workplace and stays there waiting for me to show up! I'm too scared to get out to do anything. Thank God for Micah's Place. They've been so nice and helpful to me. They have given me food to eat and a safe place to stay. Otherwise, I would probably be dead by now.
Since the time I left my house to the date of my injunction in court, Micah's Place has been very patient and helpful. I've never had anybody who ever wanted to help or care about me so much without charging anything in this country. It is not about money. It is about the feeling that someone wants to help me, accept me, care about me, encourage me, make me feel like I am a human being again.
On my court date, I didn't have a lawyer. I didn't have the money to pay a lawyer to handle my divorce so I went with two staff members from Micah's Place. My husband had a lawyer and I was scared but I said to myself "you have to speak out for yourself. Otherwise, nobody will speak out for you. You are your own lawyer. Tell the judge the truth. I think God believes in the truth so you will win!!" And I did. It was the first time I had ever spoken out for myself in the last four years in America.
My husband knew that if he did something very bad to my business, it would really hurt me. So he cancelled my two main business contracts behind my back, even after the temporary injunction was served to him. Of course he was the president so he could do anything to my businesses. But since my customers liked me, they called to tell me what had happened. I fell apart. My husband thinks I am his slave and slavery is illegal in America.
So now, I have no income. But in my heart, I know people understand me. Even though I have no money, I will not go back to my husband and his family. I want to be a real woman, not a slave or a dog. I want people to know I am very well educated, honest, respected and hard working. I want love and I want people to accept me in this country. Although I have been here four years, I am still learning the language and culture. I love this country and there are lots of opportunities here. I want to be a part of the community but I do need help to do it.
The judge told my husband to fix the problem he had made for my businesses. He was fined $200 every other Friday until I can get my business back. So I donated to Micah's Place the first $100 that my husband paid. I wanted to thank them for what they had helped me do in the past and now. That was my America's dream - so far. But hopefully it will get better with nice people's help and with my own efforts in this country. I'm moving toward a good goal!
